Our first bit of fan mail ever, brace yourself

Hey, check this out, fellas, one of you actually e-mailed us. Not to ask a question, mind you. Not to wish us Happy New Year either. No, all this noble follower wanted to do was kiss our feet. And creep us out. Pay attention.

I know there are 4 of you guys, but i'm looking for Chidi29 from the ESPN boards. I just want to thank you guys all for the great site/blog and for helping other people win there championships. But the real reason why i'm writing is to explain what Chidi did was a brave move, and it turned my season around. Before the season, Alex (think thats his name) would not stop talking about how much he HATED ADDAI. So I listened to him, and avoided addai with the dreaded 5th pick I had. You saved me there, thanks again! Alex, i'm "will to win" from the ESPN boards. You should hook me up with your AIM, Yahoo, or MSN!! Great call on Addai! PS : I still have my mancrush on you!"

That was really, really weird. And totally awesome. And for the record, that was the first email all year. You tards, read the sidebar. The email address has been there all year. And at the bottom of every post, paired with cute little one-liners. We want to talk fantasy football with you guys. We'll be here all off season. Hit us up. Happy New Year. Heck yes we get fan mail. FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com
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Weekend Recap: The Entire Season Version

High fives all around fellas. Everyone's made it through another season in which Reggie Bush did not turn out to be Moses without drowning oneself. Rookie running backs proved to be the new pink, Matt Cassel and Chad Pennington proved to be more than joke butts, and some guy named Roddy proved to be someone who can start a conversation with something other than, "Yes, Roddy is my real name." To recap it all... - Drew Brees came 16 yards short of breaking Dan Marino's record for passing yards in a season. He still tossed the ball a little less than 2.9 miles in 2008 and has cemented himself as an elite fantasy quarterback. - Youngens Philip Rivers, Jay Cutler, and Aaron Rogers also jumped into that class with breakout seasons this year. - Matt Ryan made Atlanta forget about Michael Vick. And for those who haven't yet forgotten Chris Chandler, he made them forget about Chris Chandler, too. - Tyler Thigpen and Matt Cassel became relevant. - Chad Pennington made Brett Favre and the Jets look like retards. - Something happened to Tom Brady, I think,. - Although his Steelers grabbed the No. 2 seed in the AFC, Ben Roethlisberger was a huge dissapointment. - The top of the mountain at running back looks completely different from last year, due to huge seasons by DeAngelo Williams, Thomas Jones, and Michael Turner. - Adrian Peterson is still good. - A rookie running back class led by top-10ers Matt Forte, Steve Slaton, and Chris Johnson made Brett Favre and the Jets look like Stephen Hawking compared to American males who had a crush on Darren McFadden. - LaDainian Tomlinson was not God this year, but still had 1,500 yards and 12 touchdowns. - Steven Jackson and Brandon Jacobs got banged up again. - Calvin Johnson, Roddy White, and Antonio Bryant broke out. - While it wasn't unreasonable, Terrell Owens and Randy Moss were both expected to finish one and two atop the wide receiver ranks. They didn't. Neither were top five. - Unknowns Lance Moore and Eddie Royal along with late bloomers Vincent Jackson and Bernard Berrian were also very good. - A lot of people would like to shoot Braylon Edwards, Chad Johnson, and T.J. Houshmandzadeh. - Someone actually did shoot Plaxico Burress. Himself. - Aside from one guy, Tony Gonzalez, the tight end position was a crapshoot. As the playoffs and offseason rages, we here at this site will review, break down, and chatter about the biggest topics, questions, and issues of the 2008 season and we will eventually discuss free agent signings, coaching changes, and other possibly news worthy NFL stuff as well. Check back often. Happy playoffin'.
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Keeping up with the Bones'

Good things come to those who wait. And after a mere sixteen weeks, we present you with "Keeping up with the Boneses," an article that will discuss what players are likely to play, which ones aren't, and which ones you'll be scrambling to find information on Sunday morning. Likely to play (Probable) -Derrick Mason/WR Baltimore -Muhsin Muhammad/WR Carolina -Joshua Cribbs/WR Baltimore -Jason Witten/TE Dallas -Eddie Royal/WR Denver -Maurice Jones-Drew/RB Jacksonville -Brandon Jacobs/RB Giants -Laveranues Coles and Jerricho Cotchery/WR Jets Game-time Decision (Questionable) -Anquan Boldin/WR Arizona -Ray Rice/RB Baltimore -Marshawn Lynch/RB Buffalo -Marion Barber/Dallas -Bernard Berrian/WR Minnesota -Pierre Thomas/RB New Orleans -Frank Gore/RB San Francisco Unlikely to play (Doubtful) -Chad Johnson/WR Cincinnati -Kellen Winslow Jr/Cleveland -Kevin Boss/TE Giants -LenDale White/Tennessee Out (Not going to play) -Carson Palmer/QB Cincinnati -Dominic Rhodes/RB Indy -Jeremy Shockey/TE New Orleans -Matt Hasselbeck/QB Seattle
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Running the Wire

Heading into Week 17 I'm assuming that the majority of your seasons have either already ended unsuccessfully due to Marion Barber's decision to jump off a cliff or successfully due to dumb luck. But then there's the idiots who set up their leagues to last all 17 weeks. And you bums are probably freaking out trying to find a quarterback on waivers to fill in for Peyton Manning who will sit this weekend which is totally predictable and happens every year and is similar to benchings that occur throughout the league during the last week of the season and are the reason why you don't make your leagues last 17 weeks. Well, because you're idiotic, I'm not going to reveal wire wonders. You don't deserve help. Instead, I'm going to help out those who have suffered all year through NFL hobos dropping bust seasons for the Americans who spent 29,384 hours researching and deciding to draft said hobos. For the last Running the Wire of the year, I tell you whom to drop. It's the spirit of giving after all. Might as well give back the waiver wire the soap on a rope crap that deserve to be there. It'll make you feel good to let these guys go, I know it. Merry Christmas. [Ed's note: This is not the end of the post. There's a big space that is of no use; click the "Keep going..." below.] Gold Wire Drops Chad Ocho Cinco WR/Cincinnati Bengals—He should have changed his name to Chad Cero. He's worth nothing. For the future, don't even draft him until the Ocho Cincoth round. Carson Palmer QB/Cincinnati Bengals—Don't want Chadwick to get lonely on the wire. Actually I kind of do. Joseph Addai RB/Indianapolis Colts—Congratulations, Alex. Congrats. Braylon Edwards WR/Cleveland Browns—He only came 14 touchdowns short of winning that bet with Michael Phelps. So there's that. Gold Wire Drops Edgerrin James RB/Arizona Cardinals—Your one 100-yard game this season was much appreciated. Get a haircut. Derek Anderson QB/Cleveland Browns—More proof that money isn't everything. Actually this is proof that money is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Darren McFadden RB/Oakland Raiders—Of course in a season that sees the greatest class of rookie running backs in the history of the world emerge, the back who was drafted the highest would not be part of the emergence. I blame Art Shell. Willis McGahee RB/Baltimore Ravens—You couldn't secure the starting job from a rookie and a 260 pound fullback? Really? More Gold Wire Drops Plaxico Burress WR/New York Giants—Is it wrong to feel the urge to shoot someone who just got shot? Torry Holt WR/St. Louis Rams—This one kind of makes me sad. Jamal Lewis RB/Cleveland Browns—You weigh 245 pounds! Four touchdowns? Willie Parker RB/Pittsburgh Steelers—Well, I enjoyed the first two weeks... We'll be coming over later to sing Christmas Carols. Get some cocoa ready or something. FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com
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Weekend Recap: Week 16

The end is near. Time flies by if you're winning. If only the same can be said for losing; it must feel like an eternity for the Detroit Lions. However you want to put it, we're now entering the last week of the fantasy football season. This week and next are still worth taking a peek at, even if your fantasy season is over. Backups and players with high potential will get extra playing time if they're on a team that can do so (i.e. resting starters for playoffs or struggling teams trying to get a jump on next year). Sleepers can be found or at the very least, slightly unearthed. Pierre Thomas made an impression on coaches Week 17 of last year, and now, some owners could win their league because of this guy. Like I said, the end is near, but it isn't here. Stay focused. - 'Twas the week before 17, and all through the forums, not a poster was exclaiming, not even the biggest Jacksonville fan: Has Dennis Northcutt's recent performance the past two weeks gone utterly unnoticed? (Don't worry, I wouldn't dare attempt to write a book.) Against two respectable pass defenses in Green Bay and Indy, he's posted at least five receptions, 100 yards, and a score. Baltimore's defense is tough, but with Matt Jones still out, Northcutt seems to be the main man in Jacksonville. - Cedric Benson's carries and yards have each increased the past four weeks, capping off yesterday with 38 carries for 171 yards. Another 38-carry game is unrealistic—the wind at Cleveland yesterday made passing awful—but with a decent matchup against the Chiefs next week, Benson should enjoy a fairly productive day. - If your league awards points for Chuck Norris-esque toughness, Jeff Garcia just won you a championship. - The Weather Channel will fast become the friends of Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald owners. The Cardinals were absolutely awful in the winter wonderland that was Foxborough. If the weather is decent in Seattle this week and Warner and Fitz are expected to play (Arizona may rest their starters; hopefully we'll post updates on the blog), feel free to deploy the two. But if the weather in Seattle is frightful as it was Sunday, you're better off looking at other options. - Trent Edwards returned this week, but he was conservative, and Lee Evans continues to suffer because of it. The Bills' wide receiver had his third straight game of under 30 yards receiving. Such a sorry finish to such a strong start. Send us your wish list. FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com
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Shanahan's Karma Party Continues: More Running Backs On IR

There is a God. And he does care about sports. And Mike Shanahan must have gotten on his bad side. It's the only way to explain the injuries to his running backs this year—the same running backs he's taunted Fantasy Football-dom with for 124,098 years—that now have slew PJ Pope and Selvin Young. The Denver Broncos coach said Monday that both backs are expected to be placed on injured reserve this week. Pope tore his hamstring and Young ruptured a disk in his neck in Sunday's game against the Buffalo Bills. They'll be the sixth and seven running backs to be placed on IR for Denver this season. Tatum Bell is the only tailback left standing, so he could be a nice flex play against the Chargers if you have a championship game Week 17. Although if I was Bell, the last thing I'd want to do is step into the Broncos backfield that pretty much knifes every new starter in the cornea each week. Some dudes named Cory Boyd—from the Bronco's practice squad—and Alex Haynes—signed after being waived by Denver in November—may also have a chance to be slaughtered by the Shanahan curse this weekend as well. Neither have any fantasy value unless your league awards points for deaths.
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Week 16 Name Calling

Who you gonna call? Sorry Ghostbusters, but you won't do the trick this week. In most fantasy leagues, Week 16 means one thing: being one game away from fantasy glory. No room for error, and one mistake can mean the difference between first place and the soon-to-be-forgotten runner-up. No pressure.

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Who You Gonna Call Kevin Walter/WR Houston: He's been flying under the radar this year, but has put up good numbers. Case in point: Walter has a better yards per reception average than superstar Andre Johnson—15.1 for Walter and 13.7 for Johnson—and more touchdowns than Johnson—eight to six in favor of Walter. Granted, Johnson is obviously the superior talent and fantasy play, but he'll be covered by one of, if not the, toughest cornerback in the league in Nnamdi Asomugha. Nnamdi is certainly tough, but the rest of the Raiders' secondary is as tough as a bag of feathers. Chad Pennington/QB Miami: The best way to predict the future is by looking at the past. Look at what the past two quarterbacks have performed against the Dolphins' opponent this week, the Chiefs. 1. Jay Cutler: 32-40, 286 yards, two TD, one INT 2. Philip Rivers: 34-48, 346 yards, two TD, one INT That's a combined 66-88 (75% completion percentage) for 632 yards and four touchdowns in the past two weeks. Pennington hasn't put up huge numbers the past couple weeks, but there's no better time for a player to come up big than against a weak pass defense with your team's playoff hopes on the line. Given the Chiefs nearly non-exsistent pass rush, a league-low nine sacks, Pennington should have all day to throw. DeSean Jackson/WR Philadelphia: No Kevin Curtis. No Hank Baskett and consequently, no complaints from Kendra Wilkinson. That leaves Jackson and Donovan McNabb's right hand man this week in a rivalry game against the slumping Redskins. Ever since Andy Reid benched McNabb, he's turned it around, throwing seven touchdown passes to just one interception and winning the past three games. Who You Not Gonna Call Brett Favre/QB Jets: Yes, I'm telling everyone to bench the "savior." Favre has been very Favre-like lately, and that's not always a good thing. The gunsligner has thrown five interceptions to just three touchdowns the past four games. And in the three games New York has played on the West Coast—which is where the Jets will be playing this week—Favre has thrown five interceptions. Yikes. Tyler Thigpen/QB Kansas City: Nothing against Thigpen, but this Miami defense has been brutal the past three games. They have not, and I repeat have not, allowed a single touchdown in that span. None. Zilch. Nada. The same number of wins the Lions have. Marion Barber/RB Dallas: Usually a must-start, but the rulebook tends to get pushed aside in fantasy playoffs. Barber is questionable tonight and even if he does play, he won't be his usual self. Tashard Choice is likely to get a good chunk of the carries. Couple that with a stingy Baltimore run defense, and Barber's chances of a productive night are as slim as Jerry Jones wanting his team to fly under the radar. We believe in Santa. FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com
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Stat Boy Saturday: Predicting Week 17 Rest

The number of articles produced by Fantasy Football Writers With Hair has gradually gone down in the last four weeks. Then I realized it. We're the New York Giants. Think about it: Tosten is Brandon Jacobs, Gage is Plaxico Burress, Alex is Eli Manning, and I am Derrick Ward. Tosten never missed an article or deadline, and he was a No. 1 fantasy writer until he got sick after posting a Donovan McNabb news update on Nov. 24. He recovered the following week, but then missed this week with a hamstring injury (or maybe not); Jacobs was a No. 1 back until he missed a Nov. 23 game against the Cardinals. He recovered and performed nicely in the next two weeks until missing last week with an injury. Gage showed up for the first few weeks of the year, giving his mancrushes weekly (but forgetting about the HAIRY's). Then he had some personal and family business that took up most of his time, and got it resolved to resume his posting duties. Plaxico Burress was a nice No. 2 wideout in the first half of the year. Then he had personal business to deal with (his shooting, obviously), and was suspended for the rest of the year. Although Gage came back from his issues, the comparison still stands. Alex and I are Manning and Ward, respectively, because we can be counted on week after week, as we never miss an article or deadline.

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The Giants are major candidates to rest their starters next week if a simple turn of events occurs. Like us. If teams don't rest their stars next week, then there's no news for us to spin, no pickups to write about, no no-name players to mancrush (yes, it's a verb, too). But how can we tell which teams will sit their starters next week, which is the final week in some or most fantasy leagues? Every team locked into a playoff spot rest their stars, right? I was looking to bust that notion. I looked at every single player who played from 2004-2007 with more than 250 pass attempts, 150 rush attempts, or 50 receptions, and from their game-by-game performances, saw if they sat in Week 17 or did not. In order to reduce bias, I deleted the player's name and team when picking out whether the player rested, so as to not try and pick players on good or bad teams purposefully. If a player had 30 attempts in four straight games, then 12 in Week 17, he was classified as being rested. I came out with 15 rested QBs, 11 running backs, and 10 wide receivers. There were probably more wideouts than that, but because of the overall volatility of wideouts, if was hard to find which ones were rested and which ones just had a bad outing. After spotting the rested players, I looked at their team's wins to see if there was a trend. And there was.

Team Wins of Rested Player

QBs	RBs	WRs
10	10	10
12	12	13
13	10	10
11	14	14
10	10	11
13	12	11
14	13	13
11	10	14
11	13	10
13	9	12
10	13
13
13
13
13
Avg = 12	Avg = 11.5	Avg = 11.8
10+ win %	10+ win %	10+ win %
36.6%	24.4%	22.0%
13+ win %	13+ win %	13+ win %
61.5%	30.8%	23.1%

*Two players on 2005 Colts were rested. The two 14 wins were counted in the average, but only was was counted in the percentages. **10+ win % and 13+ win % represent how many 10-win (or more) and 13-win (or more) teams rested players. There were 41 10-win teams from 2004-2007, and 15 of those rested a QB; 15 divided by 41 is 36.6 percent. What this shows is that you shouldn't worry about running backs or wideouts being rested nearly as much as quarterbacks; even if your RB or WR sits, his attempts or receptions usually aren't that less than their seasonal numbers. Quarterbacks, on the other hand, get much more rest in Week 17 games than backs or wideouts. If you have a QB on a locked playoff team, you should definitely try to find a replacement—more than one-third of the time, the Week 17 attempts of a QB on a playoff team (a 10-win team) are substantially different than their pre-Week 17 numbers. The Giants, Panthers, Titans, Colts, and Steelers all look like they will rest their starters; the Colts already are lokced into the No. 5 seed, and the other four play each other this week and should have their spots locked in after their games. The Cardinals also have locked up a playoff slot and seed; they should rest their stars too. Whether you're in your finals or not, look out for teams resting their stars. We really hope that there is something to write about next week. FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com
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Week 16 Mancrushes

Although I hate to link to juggernauts who will never return the favor to web weaklings like us, I don't see how I can post some Mancrushes without mention of Skip Bayless's latest retarded shiz that no one gives a crap about (courtesy of deadspin), this:

That has nothing to do with any point or argument that I'm trying to make, but it makes me feel less self-conscious about this column. Thanks Skip.

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Tosten Burks Kind sir, die. I don't care about what you think your future is for the 2009 season. I could give a crap about how dangerous your team would be in the postseason. And I hate that you and your 17 interceptions made the Pro Bowl over Philip Rivers. But geezus. There's no way I can't love you, Brett Favre, for Week 16. New York's in a three-way tie for their division. There is no margin for error. They'll fight for their life this Sunday against the Seattle Seahawks. Amen. Mike Holmgren's Seattle squad is last in the NFL in passing yards allowed. They are sixth-to-last in touchdowns allowed. Old Bretty Boy should enjoy a nice little game of football this weekend. Zach Fein I don't just have a mancrush on him. No, I absolutely love this guy. I hate myself for not owning Pierre Thomas in any league I am in. In the past five weeks since he started getting the majority of the touches, Thomas is averaging this beastly line: 16 carries for 80 rushing yards, three receptions for 35 yards, and 21 fantasy points; he's had eight touchdowns in those five games. His opponent this week, the Detroit Lions, gives up the most fantasy points to running backs, at 27 per game. The top rusher facing the Lions is averaging a stout 20 touches for 120 yards and 19.3 fantasy points per game; they've scored 17 touchdowns in 14 games this year. Those 19.3 fantasy points are the most that any team allows to top opposing rushers; if the top runner going against the Lions was a player, he would rank second among running backs in rushing yards, tops in rushing touchdowns, and tops in fantasy points (by 2.4 per game!). In short, start Thomas with pride. He's the best option at running back you could have this week. Alex Kozora They say the best things came in small packages. Evidently, the best things can came from fast packages. No, this isn't a FedEx or UPS promo. This is a Greg Jennings promotion. Jennings, the Packers' leading wide receiver, has set career highs in receptions and receiving yards to go along with his eight touchdowns. Jennings and the Pack are set to face a Bears team that's been hit hard by injuries to the secondary, having two cornerbacks—one of which was Nathan Vasher—and a safety on IR. Jennings has scored a touchdown in four of his last five games, including a five catch, 64-yards-and-a-score performance against the Bears in Week 11. The man under center for Green Bay, Aaron Rodgers, has thrown for at least 278 yards and has six touchdowns in the past three games. Hopefully, Greg Jennings will deliver your team a fantasy championship. We just figured out what we're getting all our friends for Christmas. FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com
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The HAIRY's: Week 15 Edition

Gage Arnold stops by to hand out his weekly awards for this past weekend. Momma said knock you out. Well, it seems like TO's gonna knock you out now, especially if you plot against him to take away his passes. Alright stop, collaborate and listen. As long as your name is not Tony Romo or Jason Witten, then Team Obliterator needs a script of what you "discussed." In my honest opinion, Terrell Owens really needs to get some new socks if he wants to truly escape the grips of da-feet. Yeah, that was possibly the worst joke ever. Let's just go on ahead to the Hairy's.

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The Sixth Sense Award (For Biggest Surprise)

And the award goes to ... Tarvaris Jackson, QB, Vikings

Wow, what more can I say. I mean, I know the Cardinals pass defense is bad, but to let Tarvaris Jackson of all people put up four touchdowns! I mean, the Cards bent like a wet newspaper, they lied down like Britney Spears, they crumpled like a leaf. But now I have to give some kudos to Mr. Jackson. I mean while it wasn't the Titans pass defense (which got completely blown up by Andre Johnson), it still was a formidable defense and it garnered him an award. Take a bow, Tarvaris. You actually earned it, for once.

The Last Indiana Jones Movie Whose Name You Can't Remember Because It Sucked So Much (For Biggest Bust)

And the award goes to ... Clinton Portis, RB, Redskins

This was a huge surprise to me. I not only expected the 'Skins to win the game, but to also blow out the Bengals and give it to Clinton for some nice garbage time as he ran for some nice yardage and possibly a score. But no, the 'Skins completely blow the game and Portis gets a horrible 25 carries for 77 yards. He deserves none of my kindness. I had him in one of my leagues and lost by five points because my opposing owner started Tashard Choice this week. It's times like these that psyco killers are made. But don't worry, I'm not like that, at all. On topic, Portis was disappointing, and has all but withdrawn his name for the MVP.

Lord, Del's Cup (Awarded to the Coach who Orchestrated The Biggest Team of Stooges)

And the award goes to ... Jeff Fisher, Tennessee Titans

How could you Jeff? It's fourth-and-three with 2:00 left on the clock as the Titan trail the Texans 12-13. Jeff Fisher choses to in fact go for it instead of taking his chances with his kicker Rob Bironas, who has hit a field goal from 60. So they in turn threw the incompletion and lost to a 7-7 team. This loss could help—it will keep Tennessee's guard up during the next few weeks, and they will not be able to bench their players or lighten up. Their spot is still on the line for tops in the AFC, but this still was obviously the wrong move, by far.

Paris Hilton Award (For the Player who Screwed the Most Owners Over This Week)

And the award goes to ... Marion Barber, RB, Cowboys

Marion. You are not tough and you obviously cannot keep to your word. I mean, all of this in sarcasm, but Barber still completely shot many people's fantasy playoff hopes in the foot with his two-point dinker this sunday. Why you ask? He was still in pain and truly should not have been active. Don't worry, they don't have tridents and spears in Texas, Marion, just cattle prods.

The Chad John ... Ocho Cin ... Ochocin ... Johnson Award (For Most Overblown Story of the Week)

And the award goes too ... (surprise, surprise) Terrell Owens, WR, Cowboys

Do I really need to elaborate? Or collaborate? This is so sad. I mean, right now I'm wiring in signs to Tony Romo on how he could keep the ball away from TO even more. I have absolutely no pity for the Cowboys or their fans. They deserve nothing more, and as long as Jerry Jones runs this show, don't expect him to get off his high-horse anytime soon to put Terrell in his place.

Keep hanging in there guys, the HAIRY's will be back next week, better than ever.

I wonder if Tony Romo would cry for TO.

FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com

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Weekend Recap: Week 15

I have to say "no" to Yes Man. Nothing against Jim Carrey, but I hold a grudge against the producers, unless of course, Carrey is one of the producers. But in the words of the Monday Night Countdown crew, "Come on, man!" Can we at least try to come up with something a little original? Seems to me is all they did was add a little twist to the script of Liar Liar. How original. So creative, big raises all around. Luckily for football and those who play fantasy football, there is always something new.

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- First there was Mark Clayton. Next, Seneca Wallace. Who will be hopping on the "he's a one-week wonder, don't buy into him" train this week? A little hard to fit on bumper sticker, but I digress. Cedric Benson, have a seat. The Redskins came into their game yesterday completely unfocused, and it showed. Badly. Anyone could've ran through that defense. Sure, Benson had 88 yards receiving, but 79 came on one play. Pass. - Matt Ryan continues to find ways to win at home—though I think Michael Turner deserves the credit for this win—but he still isn't a reliable fantasy start at home, as I pointed out in last week's Name Calling article. Two interceptions yesterday furthered my point. - Sticking with the Tampa Bay/Atlanta game, is there a more underrated player in fantasy football than Antonio Bryant? This guy is a near lock to star in one of ESPN's Fantasy Football Hall of Fame commercials. He has 74 receptions, over 1,000 yards, and six touchdowns on the season. As an added bonus, he's been on fire during this crucial playoff weeks, hauling in 20 receptions for 371 yards and four touchdowns in his past three games. Not to get ahead of myself, but he faces two paltry pass defenses in the Chargers and Raiders the next two weeks. Riddle me this (new catch phrase I'm testing out): how is a guy that is ranked 10th out of all wide receivers in points owned in just 90 percent of ESPN.com leagues? - Looking at the other side of the spectrum, Ronnie Brown has begun to fall off the map. He's only hit the 70-yard mark once—this past Sunday—since rushing for over 100 yards against the Raiders Week 11. To add to those woes, he's only hit pay dirt once in that same span. - It seems that the Ravens have settled on a main back. All of you Ravens fans who had money on Willis McGahee or Ray Rice have some explaining to do to the wife. Le'Ron McClain has had 20-plus carries in three straight, and 18 in the game before. Granted, he hasn't been overly productive, but he's the most dependable back right now. Alex forgot to write an end line so we'll just type the e-mail. FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com
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ADD Attack!

Check it out knuckas, we got a remodel. Layout changes and all that jazz. More details after the leap. (Heck ya, we have a leap now.)

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Just to sum everything up so you know exactly what to complain about in your feedback email. - We added a third column to make your FF With Hair viewing enjoyment 33 percent better. (Stat Boy notes: Actually, it's 50 percent better. Before, there were two columns, now three; three divided by two equals 1.5. Even better!) - The site now has two hues of yummy brown. We wanted to reflect the chaos of the world and depict an escape of color that both shades and details the transition of life and temporary nature of our fantasy football essence. Or something. Just think of it as new giftwrap. - As bragged above, now you have to make one more click in order to read posts. Fun, fun. - There's some other minor differences that I would guarantee you don't even notice. If you can nitpick and find them, hit up the inbox and we'll buy everyone cookies. Yay. As always, yell at us at FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com, tell your friends about this site, and all that other stuff that reveals how needy, desperate, and retarded we are. P.S. This is Tosten. I wrote this. Not Zach. Just making sure that gets out there because I don't want to slap anyone else's reputation in the face other than my own if I don't have to.
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Week 15 Mancrushes

Sorry this is being posted late. I've been playing around all day creating this super cool FFWWH widget. It feeds every single piece of analysis, news update, preview, and spotlighted stat that is ever written by the mega awesome FF With Hair guys who are always available to answer any of your questions. FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com. Bam. I just added it to my facebook. Shapow, now it's bookmarked on del.icio.us. And now it's embedded on this here very blog. You can take it anywhere. It's the perfect Christmas present. Actually it's just perfect, period. Kinda like the following group of players for Week 15. Transition jubilation! Tosten Burks Screw you Chargers. I can't believe I'm a fan. I can't believe I own a Tomlinson jersey. I can't believe I read blogs about your franchise. I can't believe you're 5-8. I can't believe a San Diego banker hasn't foreclosed Norv Turner's house in his face. I hate it. Tony Gonzalez loves it. San Diego has been burned by the following list of tight ends this year: Dante Rosario, Tony Scheffler, Dustin Keller, Zach Miller, Mark Campbell, Gonzalez once before, Matt Spaeth, Dallas Clark, Justin Peelle, and Miller another time. Have you even heard of half those guys? The Chargers can't stop tight ends. And this week, starting safety Clinton Hart is out, leaving Steve Gregory to man up Tony Gonzalez. Gregory has only started one game in his entire life. Last week. He'll get plenty of help, but San Diego's been double teaming tight ends all year. Expect huge numbers from Gonzo. Zach Fein What if I told you that the quarterback that has the fourth-most fantasy points in the last four weeks is currently on your waiver wire? And that said quarterback has more fantasy points in that period than Kurt Warner, Peyton Manning, and Tony Romo? And that only three have more touchdowns in that period? And that said quarterback has the ninth-most passing yards in that period? Oh, you're interested? Shaun Hill goes against a Miami team that is allowing more than 15 fantasy points a game to quarterbacks since Week Six (if you take out a negative-fantasy-point performance by Marc Bulger two weeks ago). Quarterbacks are averaging 253 yards and a score in that time frame, again without Bulger's game. There's no reason Hill should be on the bench in any league this week, let alone on the waiver wire. Pick him up if he's available and start him for a 20-point week. Alex Kozora

When your star player is unhappy, you know you better reverse that story. Case in point: Clinton Portis, disgruntled about not getting many carries last week, blasted Jim Zorn on the John Thompson show on December 9th. Apparently, everything between Zorn and Portis has been settled, but you know that Zorn and the Redskins coaching staff will make sure to keep their star running back happy. And what a better time to do so than against the lowly Bengals who rank a paltry 23rd in the league against the run. Portis is almost guaranteed points. If Rachel Ray made a fantasy football recipe, these would be the ingredients.

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Week 15 Name Calling

Name Calling is our almost-weekly feature where we help you figure out which name to call for that flex position, #3 wideout spot, or any other lineup conundrum you may be faced with. Our goal is to help you decide on borderline starters by revealing who will hit pay dirt and who will implode. None of this "start Peyton Manning" or "sit Derek Hagan" nonsense. No loving, hating, flaming, or video gaming either. Just a bit of name calling is all. The only thing I hate more than the complete mess that is the Cowboys' locker room, seriously, they're acting more like the cast of The Hills than a football team, is writer's block. To be honest, I have nothing introduction-worthy. My mind is completely empty. Now I know what Jessica Simpson feels like. But you could care less about an introduction. All you need is solid fantasy advice. And my mind isn't blank in that department. Who You Gonna Call Derrick Mason/WR Baltimore: What, have you gone off the deep end, Alex? Do you not realize that Mason is going against the Steelers, the best defense in the league? No, I haven't lost it (yet). And yes, I'm well aware of who he's playing this week. In fact, that's a reason why I'm so high on Mason this week. Dating back to last season, he's averaging just under seven catches per game for 81 yards. The first time these two teams met this year, Mason went off for 137 yards on eight receptions. Mason has clearly been Joe Flacco's favorite target this year, having more than double the receptions of the next Raven (Mason, 65; Mark Clayton, 30). A big rivalry game at home with the playoffs on the line? You can bet Mason and company will be going all out. Jonathan Stewart/RB Carolina: This may be the last time I'll be able to put Smash, er....Stewart on this list. He had a coming-out-party last week on Monday Night Football against a stout Bucs defense, rushing for over 110 yards and two scores in a win over Tampa Bay. Now, he gets to face an easier defense in the Denver Broncos, who have allowed five rushing touchdowns the past three away games. Fantasy success. Chester Taylor/RB Minnesota: Little bit of a forewarning: I'd start him only in deeper leagues or if you're low on options. He hasn't gotten many carries lately, but he's made the most of his opportunities, scoring one touchdown in each of the last three games. Arizona, whom the Vikings face this week, have allowed three rushing touchdowns the past three games. See the trend? Who You Not Gonna Call Matt Ryan/QB Atlanta: Atlanta is at home this week; that's good news for fans, but for Ryan owners, it's nothing to get overjoyed about. Although Ryan is a better quarterback at home, he isn't that great of a fantasy quarterback. He's only thrown five touchdown passes at home in six games, four of those coming against the Lions, Chiefs, and Saints. Even the biggest hater of Tampa Bay would say that the Bucs defense is one of the better in the league. Don't forget how Ryan performed in his first meeting: 13 of 33 for 158 yards, two INTs and no TDs. David Garrard/QB Jacksonville: Riddle me this. What do you get when you combine an interception-prone quarterback and a defense that is near tops in the league in interceptions? A fantasy sit. That's the case with David Garrard this week, who has thrown at least one interception in four straight games. The Packers rank fiftth in the league in interceptions with 19. And though they gave up a ton of yards to Matt Schaub last week, Garrard doesn't have an Andre Johnson. And without Matt Jones, who is serving a three game suspension, his arsenal is even more shallow now. We don't have bounites on other sites. FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com
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Stat Boy Saturday: Fantasy Points Per Touch Revisited

Another week with our honorary stat boy, Zach Fein of Fein Sports. A contributor with as much stat muscle as anyone in the business. You may not understand what he's says and use it for your fantasy leagues, but if you're in the mood to be baffled and confused, then boy does he have you covered. Because life is one big spreadsheet. This week he sees which players produce the most with the least opportunities. Here's what I don't get: people are saying that Tim Tebow shouldn't even be a finalist for the Heisman trophy because he has less than 2,600 passing yards, which is half of what Graham Harrell had. Okay, except one thing: Tebow attempted exactly 300 less passes than did Harrell. Every Texas Tech quarterback since 2002 has had monster passing stats. That's due to Tech's offensive system and the fact that they throw the ball 75 percent of the time. Prorate Tebow's stats to the 568 attempts that Harrell had, and suddenly Tebow is leading Harrell by 600 in passing yards. It's not about their raw stats, but how they performed with the opportunities they were granted. Through Week 10, Pierre Thomas had on the year 41.2 fantasy points on 48 touches. Per 20 touches, that's 17.2 fantasy points. Then New Orleans started giving him the rock—and from Week 11 on, he produced 22 fantasy points per 20 touches. No one would have predicted his breakout performance, because, after all, he was averaging 4.6 fantasy points per game. It's not about their raw stats, but how they performed with the opportunities they were granted. With the string of injuries to star performers this week, I decided to revisit my early-season article on fantasy points per touch. Which backups that will get the load of carries this week warrant a starting spot on your fantasy roster? I looked at the top-25 quarterbacks, top-30 running backs, and top-40 wide receivers on the year, plus the backups that will be starting or will receive an increase in playing time this week. I ended up adding three quarterbacks and five running backs and wideouts. Note: Touches were defined as attempts plus carries for QBs, attempts plus receptions for running backs, and receptions for wide receivers. Then I multiplied the fantasy points per touch number by an average amount of touches a starter would see—30 attempts/carries for a QB; 20 rushes/catches for RBs; and six catches for wide receivers. Players who should see an increase of playing time have their names in bold.

Quarterbacks
Name	Fan.Pts	Pts per 30
Philip Rivers	217.0	16.2
Shaun Hill	96.6	15.2
Tony Romo	178.9	15.0
Aaron Rodgers	236.9	14.7
Matt Schaub	134.4	13.9
Drew Brees	240.1	13.8
Seneca Wallace	71.6	13.7
Kurt Warner	236.6	13.5
Eli Manning	181.0	13.0
Matt Ryan	174.0	12.8
Jay Cutler	226.8	12.7
Tyler Thigpen	151.5	12.7
Donovan McNabb	204.7	12.2
Peyton Manning	200.7	12.2
Chad Pennington	169.9	12.2
Jake Delhomme	148.1	12.1
Trent Edwards	141.8	12.0
Kyle Orton	151.0	12.0
Jeff Garcia	132.5	11.9
Joe Flacco	157.6	11.8
Brett Favre	171.4	11.7
Ben Roethlisberger	155.7	11.6
J.P. Losman	28.7	11.5
Matt Cassel	191.6	11.3
Tarvaris Jackson	29.3	10.7
Jason Campbell	160.1	10.6
Sage Rosenfels	64.9	10.5
David Garrard	171.2	10.3

• You can read how much I love Shaun Hill in this week's Mancrushes (whenever they get posted).
• I also like Seneca Wallace this week. He's averaged 16.3 fantasy points in his last four starts, and the St. Louis Rams are in the bottom 10 in fantasy points allowed to opposing QBs.
• If you were thinking of playing J.P. Losman or Tavaris Jackson because the Jets and Cardinals are in the bottom five against QBs in fantasy points allowed ... don't. You deserve to lose if you do.

Running Backs
Name	Fan. Pts	Pts Per 20
Pierre Thomas	120.0	20.9
DeAngelo Williams	216.2	18.6
Maurice Jones-Drew	178.9	18.6
Brandon Jacobs	175.3	17.5
Kevin Faulk	108.6	17.5
LenDale White	153.0	17.5
Brian Westbrook	193.3	16.5
Jonathan Stewart	119.7	16.3
Thomas Jones	215.7	15.8
Sammy Morris	91.3	15.5
Reggie Bush	115.8	15.4
Tim Hightower	115.9	15.4
Steve Slaton	185.4	15.3
Ronnie Brown	156.9	15.1
Chris Johnson	189.1	14.5
Mewelde Moore	117.1	14.4
Michael Turner	212.0	13.9
Le'Ron McClain	121.0	13.5
Frank Gore	182.5	13.5
Derrick Ward	116.2	13.3
Adrian Peterson	206.2	13.2
Marion Barber	177.6	13.1
Dominic Rhodes	99.5	13.0
Matt Forte	207.6	12.9
Clinton Portis	188.1	12.9
Steven Jackson	126.1	12.7
Marshawn Lynch	165.3	12.6
Kevin Smith	123.2	12.5
LaDainian Tomlinson	173.1	12.1
Ladell Betts	38.0	11.5
Warrick Dunn	106.6	11.3
Willis McGahee	93.3	11.0
Willie Parker	84.1	10.9
Ryan Grant	126.1	9.9
Jamal Lewis	120.4	9.8

• Derrick Ward is in the middle of the pack in this list. But if you remember how high he was in last week's consistency article, he's a must-start in all formats. He's going to get you 12 fantasy points this week, no doubt about it.
• Le'Ron McClain and Willis McGahee are both low on this list. That's interesting, because most think that whoever gets the load of the carries in Baltimore performs outstandingly.
• Dominic Rhodes is a top-12 running back this week. Why? He's averaging 17.9 fantasy points in his last four games where he had over 20 touches, and the top rusher on teams facing the Lions has put up 18.9 fantasy points per game.
• Clinton Portis might not get all the carries in Washington, but that shouldn't make Ladell Betts be your flex play this week. His yards per carry on the year is only 3.3.

Wide Receivers
Name	Fan. Pts	Pts per 6
Devery Henderson	84.8	18.2
Justin Gage	77.1	17.8
Calvin Johnson	159.5	17.1
Vincent Jackson	121.1	16.5
Bernard Berrian	112.4	16.4
Terrell Owens	138.8	15.1
Kevin Walter	133.1	14.5
Isaac Bruce	105.3	14.4
Greg Jennings	155.1	14.1
Steve Smith	137.1	13.5
Randy Moss	132.1	13.0
Deion Branch	36.0	12.7
Lee Evans	109.3	12.6
Roddy White	160.9	12.4
Marques Colston	51.4	12.3
Larry Fitzgerald	169.1	12.2
Braylon Edwards	91.5	12.2
Lance Moore	125.4	12.1
Anquan Boldin	166.4	12.0
Michael Jenkins	76.9	11.8
Santonio Holmes	85.6	11.7
Santana Moss	117.6	11.6
Muhsin Muhammad	93.4	11.2
Antonio Bryant	123.7	11.1
Hines Ward	112.1	11.0
Reggie Wayne	121.8	10.9
Amani Toomer	74.5	10.9
Dwayne Bowe	120.7	10.8
Donald Driver	101.3	10.7
Roy Williams	52.9	10.6
Laveranues Coles	98.0	10.5
Marvin Harrison	88.3	10.4
Derrick Mason	111.1	10.3
DeSean Jackson	89.5	10.1
Brandon Marshall	139.3	10.1
Anthony Gonzalez	84.8	10.0
Andre Johnson	150.1	9.8
Jerricho Cotchery	94.2	9.6
Eddie Royal	109.9	9.6
Chad Johnson	74.7	9.0
Steve Breaston	98.0	8.8
Matt Jones	87.0	8.2
Davone Bess	49.3	7.6
T.J. Houshmandzadeh	112.5	7.6
Wes Welker	106.2	6.6

• I don't like using fantasy points per touch on wide receivers. What will result is that the guys who seem to get a 50-yard catch every other week will rise to the top, and the possession receivers such as Wes Welker will sink to the bottom.
• Nonetheless, it's still a fine measuring tool of production. Justin Gage is averaging 10.6 fantasy points in his past five games, including 7.7 on the year. However, he's had four or less fantasy points in five of his 10 games played. Start him if you need a high risk/high reward guy.
• Amani Toomer hasn't been all that great on the year, but in the past three games when Plaxico had no catches or was injured, Toomer's put up 8.7 fantasy points per game. He's a nice flex play this week.
• I also bolded Davone Bess. Though he's second-to-last, he's caught 20 balls for 245 yards in his last three. He won't get you a touchdown, but if you need 70-80 yards, he's your guy.

I think Tosten and Alex have been having secret meetings, too. FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com
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Running the Wire

Screwing League Mates Over By Stealing The Missing Pieces Of The Puzzle That They Need 101 I'm guessing that about 80 percent of people couldn't care less about the waiver wire at this point in this season. Most leagues are deep into the playoffs by now, meaning that only a small amount of the best and the luckiest of American males still have anything to play for. I say that's BS. Haven't you watched any ESPN lately? Jimmy Valvano says to never give up, god dang it! Never give up! We're going to a commercial break now. Never frickin' give up! Besides, even if you're in a redraft league, you can't rebuild for next year with draft pick trades, you're not in the running to win any point total money, there's no weekly high point total payouts; if you have absolutely nothing at all to play for, can you think of anything better to do with your time than steal a stud pickup off the wire from under the nose of that dick who ripped you off in that DeAngelo Williams trade from earlier in the season and who just lost his own waiver wonder boy Peyton Hillis to injury and now is panicking, and then you can laugh in his face as he falls flat without a No. 2 running back because you exacted sweet revenge on his roster? [Ed's note: And no, that wasn't a run-on.] No? I'm the only one who is laughing wildly right now? Well, then I guess there's no reason to read on then. Besides the super secret secret prize code password message in a bottle at the end of this article.... Gold Wire Pickups Seneca Wallace QB/Seattle—The latest from the Matt Hasselbeck camp is that the Seahawks are considering shutting him down for the season. That came after scrambling, fast, athletic, failed wide receiver experiment Seneca Wallace dropped a beast of a game in Week 14 against the Patriots. Sounds like he has confidence behind him and after seeing him throw three touchdowns, I think I like him too. Tatum Bell RB/Denver—I'll be the 37,947th person to spit this cliché, meme, and joke that another Bronco running back has "bitten the dust." Hahaha. I'm so originallllll and funnyyy. It's true though. And Tatum Bell and Selvin Young are the only guys with legs left on the team. And Selvin Young is hurt. And Tatum Bell was touching the ball a little bit even with Hillis raging as a starter. Bell's the guy you want. Deion Branch WR/Seattle—He caught two touchdowns the week that Seneca Wallace broke out. Obviously he's the No. 1 option for Seneca. He could surprise down the home stretch. Copper Wire Pickups Gijon Robinson WR/Indianapolis—Robinson had 6 catches for 69 yards week 14, but he's really more along the lines of a Chicken Wire Pickup. There's no chance he passes Dallas Clark on the depth chart. But his name's Gijon. Heck ya. That's a copper wire name. Anthony Fasano TE/Miami—He's been on the list before, but is still available in more than half the leagues. He put up some decent numbers this week and has four scores on the year. He's a fine tight end if you're desperate. Chicken Wire Pickups Ladell Betts RB/Washington—Clinton Portis and Jim Zorn clearly hate each other. And when a coach hates a player, he doesn't give him the ball every play. There's touches available for Betts. Unfortunately, when he got them Week 14 he put up three yards on six carries. Not much to look at here. JP Losman QB/Buffalo—Hahahahaha. 12-3-7-9-1. That has no meaning at all. Or does it...? FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com
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Matt Jones's Foot Locker Credit Card Exploits Finally Catch Up With Him

Well, Joey Porter should be happy. Months, literally months, after Matt Jones was caught chopping up some coke with a credit card in the back of a van, probably down by the river, the NFL has finally come to a decision concerning the Jaguars wide receiver who somehow emerged as a legitimate fantasy starter this season. Jones will begin his three game suspension on Sunday after his appeal was shot down by the No Fun League. Sucks for Jacksonville; they'll never make the playoffs now.... I guess some dud named Mike Walker is going to take over Jones's starting role. Jerry Porter will get more touches too. You don't need to remember either of those names. I imagine that Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor's production will stay around the same level, so they'll continue to score touchdowns and stink. David Garrard already was a bum this season. This won't change anything. Expect probably make him more of a bum. It is a shame that the most ghetto white guy in professional sports this side of Doug Christie's breakout season would be cut short though. Although I'm sure he has plenty of fun things to do with his newfound free time.
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Weekend Recap: Week 14

Fantasy playoffs make us do crazy things. Though for our viewers sake, I hope no one would do anything as crazy as what this Steelers fan did in yesterday's game against the Cowboys. No, that isn't a green screen, Photoshopped, or cropped. That is a man dousing himself with water. In 19-degree weather. And that's not even factoring in the wind chill. But alas, it is our goal to quench our thirst to bring home the championship gold. Scouring rotoworld.com 24/7, refusing to do anything else until you see if Marion Barber is tough enough to play this Sunday. Or dreaming about John Clayton's injury reports in your sleep. Oh wait, I'm the only one that does that? I digress. Let's just focus on all the news and notes about Week 14. - Matt Schaub returned to the lineup this week, and so did Kevin Walter's stats, hauling in six receptions for 145 yards and a score against beat-up Packers secondary. Provided that Schaub can stay upright, which admittingly is no guarantee, Walter is a good flex option from here on out. - Pssh, so much for the vaunted Jacksonville running game this year. Neither Maurice Jones-Drew nor Fred Taylor have gone over 70 yards rushing since Week 10 when Fred Taylor did it against the Lions. Sure, MJD has been finding the end zone, but as I mentioned in my Sit/Start section, you're rolling the dice each week (see my hate for Joseph Addai). Oh yes, that was written by me. And no, I'll never let those who thought I was wrong live it down. Because that was about the only thing I was right on all year. LJ at No. 4 coming into the season? Didn't work out too well for me. - Anyone know where in the world Davone Bess came from? With Greg Camarillo out for the year, Bess has jumped on the opportunity the pass three games, averaging around six receptions and 81 yards receiving. He's quickly becoming Chad Pennington's go to receiver, and a hot waiver wire commodity. - Happen to catch Seneca Wallace's performance this week? See my take on Mark Clayton from last week and heed that advice on Mr. Wallace. And for the record, the Ravens' receiver followed up his great Week 13 game with just two catches for 13 yards Sunday night against Washington. - Tashard Choice played as well as any running back has against the Steelers this year, but once Marion Barber returns to the lineup, he'll likely be back to riding the pine the rest of the season. - After getting the starting nod from Sean Payton, Pierre Thomas appears to have earned his trust. Thomas showed his versatility catching a touchdown pass while rushing for 106 yards on just 16 carries, including a third-down run that preserved the win for New Orleans. C'mon Man! FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com
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The HAIRY'S: Week 14 Edition

Gage Arnold shows up for the first time in six weeks and gives us his Week 14 HAIRY'S awards. Well folks, here we are. Fantasy playoffs are on our doorstep and many playoff spots were set in stone this week. I'm sure that for those of you who relied on FFWWH this year, you're safely sitting in the playoffs. Listening to our advice of consistency and making sneaky deals for players with soft playoff schedules (cough, cough) will do that for ya. Let's get right to it everyone, it's time to pass out our HAIRY's. Minus all the Pink, Britney, and Madonna drama. Nor will Twilight be mentioned at anytime in this presentation.

The Sixth Sense Award (For Biggest Surprise)

And the Award goes to... Matt Schaub, QB, Texans

Where did this guy come from? I mean, the name is familiar, but seriously, who is he? Schaub, coming off of a four-week layoff from a knee injury, completely destroyed the Packers secondary by scorching them for 400-plus yards. He also threw for two TDs and even managed to let his stud WR Andre Johnson have a decent game against Pro Bowl corner Charles Woodson. Pick him up if he's available; otherwise, hope you don't face him in the playoffs as the Texans are finally hitting full stride.

The Last Indiana Jones Movie Whose Name You Can't Remember Because It Sucked So Much (For Biggest Bust)

And the Award goes to... Marshawn Lynch, RB, Bills Wow. What a stinker Lynch put up. Only three total fantasy points against the Dolphins of all teams. While they aren't what they were last year, this defense is still able to be scored on by all means. Though Lynch wasn't supposed to obliterate this defense I expected a decent output from him. But instead I was placed with nothing more than the dud he placed on Sunday.

Lord, Del's Cup (Awarded to the Coach who Orchestrated The Biggest Team of Stooges)

And the Award goes to... Mike Smith, Falcons While Smith has done an extraordinary job with this team, he managed to possibly cost his team a playoff spot with his call on Sunday. On their own 35-yard line with time under five minutes left, Smith chose to punt the ball and promptly never saw the ball again and suffered the 29-25 loss against the Saints. This was a great game and the call could be called brave, but in my humble opinion, you have to go for it. The Falcons defense cannot stop the Saints high-octane offense, so why not take a shot and at worse you lose the ball at a decent spot, which is nothing huge for the Saints. Not saying that his team consists of stooges, just his decision was questionable nevertheless.

Paris Hilton Award (For the Player who Screwed the Most Owners This Week)

And the Award goes to... Randy Moss, WR, Patriots A very, very, very below-average game for Randy against the lowly Seahawks' pass defense. Tons of owners (including myself) were tempted into the Dolphins game and wanted and expected more from the stud receiver. While his five-point stinker could have been worse, he does have the Oakland Nnamdi's up next, so expect another sub-par performance from Moss.

The Chad John... Ocho Cin.... Ochocin.... Johnson Award (For Most Overblown Story of the Week)

And the Award goes to... Plaxico Burress, WR, Giants This comes as a little surprise to anyone, as we await the wording on his final verdict for shooting himself in the leg with his illegal weapon. I'm pretty sure this could not have gone worse for Plax. I mean the man shot himself, and he may even go to jail, and this guy should totally be on Best Week Ever. Have a great week everyone, and see you guys next week. You stay classy. We're on the keyboard like a boss, and we floss. FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com
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Peyton Hillis Out For Season; Tatum Bell a Starter?

Chris Mortensen was right, for once. Mortensen reported early this afternoon that Denver Broncos rookie running back Peyton Hillis was out for the year with a torn hamstring, which was confirmed by the Broncos, who formally put Hillis on the IR shortly after the report. "I said, 'Tatum, you can't go down. That's it,'" said Coach Mike Shanahan after Hillis went down with the injury. Hillis' injury is the sixth for a Broncos back this year; Andre Hall, Michael Pittman, Ryan Torain, and Anthony Aldridge are currently on the IR, and former starter Selvin Young has been out for two months with a torn groin. Tatum Bell and P.J. Pope will contend with Cory Boyd for the starting job. Then again, with Shanahan as head coach, you never know if he'll sign Shaun Alexander and put him in the starting role. Bell gained 68 total yards on 13 attempts in filling in for Hillis Sunday against the Chiefs. That 5.23 yards per touch average is significantly worse than the 5.86 that the Chiefs have given up on the year. Neither Bell nor Pope should perform to the extent that Hillis did (average of 16.6 fantasy points in his last four). That said, Bell should get 15 carries a game in the final three games against the Panthers, Bills, and Chargers. Selvin Young practiced fully on Friday but was inactive for Sunday's game. If he is healthy for the final three games, I like him more than both Bell and Pope. As for Hillis, feel free to drop him in even the deepest of dynasty or keeper leagues. Eventually we'll fill in for Shanny. FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com
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Da Games: Early Sundayers

In our attempt to provide every possible way for you to have more reason to kick yourself after a well researched fantasy loss, we antagonizingly analyze each and every weekend matchup. Wow. (A one word lead! I'm Matthew Berry!) Perusing the internet I was and I came upon an interesting document from Neilsen, those ratings guys who have little leprechaun spies in your TV that know what programs your watching. (Bro-hug to Awful Announcing.) It says that 75 Million people visited sports websites in October. It also says that 11.6 million unique users logged more than 1.2 billion minutes on fantasy sports sites in 2008. 1.2 Billion minutes. With a B. And an illion. But FF Writers With Hair is getting only like 450 visits a month. With no illion. Not even an ousand. Just undred. That's a joke. Side note: We recently got a visit from somewhere in the District of Columbia. Bush? Condy? Me thinks we have powerful friends in high places. Or average blow White House workers just use their free time to set their lineups instead of keeping the President from getting sniped. Both the former and the latter would be pretty darn sick.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Chicago Bears

Fantasy Impact Players QB— Kyle Orton, David Garrard RB— Matt Forte, Maurice Jones-Drew, Fred Taylor WR— Matt Jones, Devin Hester TE— none Key Stat 1— Since 1988, Chicago has scored more than 23.4 points per game (their average this year) just once, in 2006, and since entering the league in 1995, Jacksonville has given up more than 22.5 points per game just once, in '95. Our Take Tosten Burks— Matt Jones should never be the best wide receiver in a professional football game. Goodness. This will be a matchup dominated by the run on both sides. Although I wouldn't be surprised to see Orton get back in the groove this Sunday. Zach Fein— Jacksonville's been downright terrible this year. You saw what Steve Slaton did against them; look for Matt Forte to do the same. Alex Kozora— MJD's strength has been touchdowns this year ... only touchdowns. I still label him as a risky play. Kyle Orton has struggled lately, but Matt Forte is a great start. The Jags defense is playing nowhere near the level it was last season.

Houston Texans at Green Bay Packers

Fantasy Impact Players QB— Aaron Rodgers, Matt Schaub RB— Steve Slaton, Ryan Grant WR— Andre Johnson, Greg Jennings, Donald Driver, Kevin Walter TE— Owen Daniels, Donald Lee Key Stat 3.25— The Packers have outscored opponents by 3.25 points per game, yet are two games under .500. Since 1994, no team under .500 has had a higher scoring margin than Green Bay this year. Our Take Tosten Burks— Last weekend, Gary Kubiak lamented about not using Slaton enough in the first half. Then he gave the ball to him 2093 times in the second half. And then he raved after the game about how mature Slaton is. I'm thinking about going back and switching my mancrush. Expect huge numbers from the rookie. Zach Fein— As noted in the key stat, the Packers have been considerably unlucky this year. Temperatures are expected to be in the mid-teens, so a low-scoring, old-school football game with little passing should be the final outcome. Alex Kozora— Matt Schaub returns, but expect him to be rusty. Don't think about benching Andre Johnson though. Not much to note for Green Bay; Rodgers, Jennings, and Grant are all good plays.

Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions

Fantasy Impact Players QB— none, don't give me Culpepper and Gus Bus, get that outta here RB— Adrian Peterson, Kevin Smith WR— Calvin Johnson, Bernard Berrian TE— Visanthe Shiancoe Key Stat 0— The Detroit Lions have zero wins this year. Wait, you already knew that? Our Take Tosten Burks— Not going to lie, I have no idea if the Vikings D-linemen who tested positive for the banned substance in the StarCaps pills are going to play against Detroit. If someone knows, hit up the webmail, FFWritersWithHair@gmail.com. If they do, Calvin Johnson is the only Lion worth starting. If they don't, Kevin Smith is a top-eight running back. [Ed's note: Yes, Kevin and Pat Williams are playing.] Zach Fein— If the Williams duo was out this week, I would pick the Lions to win their first game this year. They're not, so the Vikes should pull out the win in the final minutes of the game. Start everyone for Minnesota. Calvin Johnson is a top-five wideout, and Kevin Smith is still a flex play this week, in my opinion, even with the Williamses playing. Alex Kozora— Another easy call. With Kevin and Pat Williams expected to play, I would look at other options than Kevin Smith if you're in need of a running back to start. You could start Calvin Johnson on his pure talent, but I don't expect any Lion to have a good game. Peterson owners have been waiting for this day since ... well, the last time the Vikings played the Lions.

Cincinnati Bengals at Indianapolis Colts

Fantasy Impact Players QB— Peyton Manning RB— Joseph Addai, Cedric Benson WR— Reggie Wayne, Marvin Harrison, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Chad Ocho Cinco TE— Dallas Clark Key Stat 1— Of the Colts' eight wins on the year, only one has been by a touchdown or more. Our Take Tosten Burks— What a bleh game. I don't care about the Colts and the Bengals are a vaudeville act. Anybody else wish their name was Visanthe? Zach Fein— This would have been a 40-37 game, two years ago. Play the usual Colts and bench all your Bengals. Alex Kozora— Houshmandzadeh remains the only dependable Bengal. You could get away with starting Ocho Cinco, but that's where I draw the line. Manning, Wayne, Gonzalez, and yes, Addai should be starting in fantasy lineups across the U.S.

Cleveland Browns at Tennessee Titans

Fantasy Impact Players QB— none, Collins and Dorsey are not startable anywhere RB— Chris Johnson, LenDale White, Jamal Lewis WR— Braylon Edwards, Justin Gage TE— Bo Scaife Key Stat 7, 4, 13— Seven wideouts have more fantasy points, four have more receiving yards, and 13 have more touchdowns than all Cleveland Browns receivers have combined. Our Take Tosten Burks— Winslow is out with a high ankle sprain, which will make Ken Dorsey's return to startingdom even more fun. Hey seuss, Justin Gage might be a better option than Braylon. I'd just start all the tailbacks. Zach Fein— Ken Dorsey has attempted four passes in the last 1,104 days. Don't get cute. Even in 32-team leagues. Alex Kozora— I made a joke about Ken Dorsey early in the week, but the Titans won't have any film on him. He could get away with some average performances his first outing or two, a la Brian Griese awhile back. Similar to when Brady Quinn started, the Browns will likely be playing small ball. In emergency situations, Steve Heiden or Martin Rucker can be used as flotation devices. Jamal Lewis will see a lot of carries, but then again, he has to go against the Titans' run defense. Start your usual Titans: Chris Johnson and Kerry Collins. Bo Scaife has been flying under the radar, too.

Philadelphia Eagles at New York Giants

Fantasy Impact Players QB— Donovan McNabb, Eli Manning RB— Brandon Jacobs, Brian Westbrook WR— DeSean Jackson, Amani Toomer, Domenik Hixon, Kevin Curtis TE— Kevin Boss Key Stat(s) 1— The Giants have lost once in their past 16 games. 32— In wins, the Eagles have scored 32 points per game. In losses, the Eagles have given up 32 points per game Our Take Tosten Burks— All eyes will be on the Giants to see how they play in the midst of the Plaxico scandal. They'll be distracted. The Eagles have momentum from last week's Thursday beatdown. The Eagles have the urgency. I like Philly. A lot of good starts on both sides though. Zach Fein— Antonio Pierce is what keeps the Giants defense as good as it is. If he's not mentally stable after the Plaxico Burress incident, the Giants are going to struggle. I think this game is going to be a shootout just like the first time they played this year (36-31). Start everyone, including Derrick Ward, who is a very good flex play and low-end No. 2 RB in standard leagues. Alex Kozora— I wouldn't sit anyone you usually start because anyone you usually start is probably a star (Eli Manning, Brandon Jacobs, Brian Westbrook). Dominik Hixon and Amani Toomer have played very well in Burress' absence and both are considered average flex plays. Kevin Boss' targets should increase, too. McNabb is a decent start despite the Giants great pass rush.

Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints

Fantasy Impact Players QB— Drew Brees, Matt Ryan RB— Michael Turner, Pierre Thomas, Reggie Bush WR— Roddy White, Marques Colston, Lance Moore TE— Jeremy Shockey Key Stat 2.5— Drew Brees has a 9.6 yards per attempt at home, which is 2.5 yards more than his 7.1 on the road. Our Take Tosten Burks— Reggie Bush is still hurt. Deuce McCallister isn't going to play because he's too busy cutting weight. Sean Payton says, "You'll see him get a lot of touches this weekend." Who is him? Pierre Thomas. I love Thomas this week. Zach Fein— The Falcons are 8-4, but have been underdogs the past two weeks to a 4-7 Chargers team and a 6-6 Saints team. Can the Falcons get some love? This game will be a high-scoring slugfest. Play everyone on both sides. As for the Saints RB situation, I like Bush the most out of all, followed by Thomas. Alex Kozora— Atlanta is on the road, a place where they don't play nearly as well. Great news for Brees owners though it's not like you'd ever find yourself in a situation where you sit him. Start Colston, Lance Moore, and Pierre Thomas with confidence. Ryan is a fringe start to me, but you could do worse. Turner and Roddy White should be starting in almost all leagues.

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